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Bolton 5 - Newcastle 1

Coloccini elbows past Nolan to grab points

Points Awards

By David Lee
It looked like it was going to be Kevin Nolan’s day. Returning to a generous reception from his former supporters at the Reebok Stadium, the Newcastle striker contrived to hit Row Z with one of his first touches, give away a penalty and get booked for a blatant barge – a combination that on another day would have been enough to guarantee the accolade of most disappointing player. Sadly, teammate Fabricio Coloccini hadn’t read the script.

Nolan started his quest for f**kwit dominance as early as the third minute when, having done well to win the ball near the touchline, he decided to shoot rather than cross, missed handsomely and picked up a Row Z point. Then on 16 minutes he committed one of the most blatant handballs you’ll see this side of a Twickenham test match, earning himself three points for giving away a penalty that Bolton’s Kevin Davies duly dispatched. He continued in a similar vein in the second half, pointlessly barging straight into Johan Elmander to secure his place in the referee’s notebook.

As the scoreline suggests, however, Nolan wasn’t the only player in a Newcastle shirt who’d pulled on his f**kwit underpants before coming onto the pitch. In the 19th minute Mike Williamson was desperately unlucky not to get a straight red when he appeared to headbutt Elmander off the ball. He did, though, pick up a point for Newcastle’s second goal, when his blatant body-check led to a free kick, from which Matt Taylor hit the bar. The ball bounced out, Coloccini and Danny Simpson got in each other’s way and failed to clear, and Chung-Yong Lee took advantage to hit home. One point each to all of three of them for assists.

No assists were awarded for Bolton’s third, although goalscorer Elmander gets one for a tedious baby celebration (it poos, it cries, it sleeps – get over it.) But two minutes later Bolton’s Stuart Holden picked up a harsh but fair assist when Newcastle pulled a goal back, tackling Shola Ameobi only to see the ball bounce straight to the feet of Andy Carroll, who slotted home.

And then Coloccini started his award-winning sequence. First, he failed to take charge of a bouncing ball and was outmuscled by Elmander, who slotted home to earn the Argentinian double assist points. Then, just four minutes later, he took his revenge, blatantly elbowing Elmander. Quite what Elmander had done to deserve all the rough stuff isn’t clear – the baby stuff was bad, but not that bad – but it was a red card and four points to Coloccini nonetheless.

Finally, in extra time Sanchez Jose Enrique picked up a lucky three points for giving away a penalty when he appeared to have got the ball, giving Davies a chance to slot home for Bolton’s fifth.

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